I've always been a straight-talking kind of fellow, and not many people can swallow my brand of sacarsm or blatant honesty.
In the beginning, I thought it was okay to be honest, even though there are some lines that you should never cross as a decent human being. For example, criticisms on one's looks because 'hey, I can't help the way I look, unless I go for plastic surgery, can I?'
But, usually if friends ask for my opinion, I will just dish out the dirt straight in their face. The end formula of it all is a disgruntled friend hurt by my brand of honesty that even I am rendered hapless to, a victim of my own personality. Heck, my straightforwardness has even reduced a friend of mine into tears.
My friend's take is that as a friend, you will put across the same meaning in as nice a manner as possible. What she actually means, is that because the other party is a friend, you should first lay out your words carefully in your mind, sprinkle a thin layer of sugar on it, paint another layer of chocolate coating as a further sweetener, then wrap up your words in a chiffon pink ribbon, before allowing those words to leap out of your mouth freely.
In her own words, a stranger wouldn't hesitate to tell you, 'You look fat in that dress.' But a friend will put it across like this, 'That dress doesn't look very nice on you, maybe you should try something else."
If you ask me? Whether it's a stranger or my best best friend in the whole wide universe, it's still, 'You look fat in that dress.'
That's why please don't go shopping with me! At the end of your shopping jaunt, you will either feel like a fat, unattractive pig or you will feel like committing suicide. Either way, it's not very nutritional for one's self-esteem.
But, now honesty has become my albatross, I don't know what I should or should not say anymore. I don't know whether being frank necessary entails some sore feelings, I don't know if a namby-pamby white lie is always better than saying it like it is.
Is it ok to be a pseudo-liar? Is honesty not always the best policy? Is honesty not viewed as an asset that is embraced hearteningly by fellow human beings, but as a detestable liability that should be stomped and trampled on until it has died a slow, suffocating death? Do we want to snuff out the Honesty in us, silencing it? Or do we want to issue it the license to speak? Most of all, why do the people today have so fragile egos that have to be tenderly caressed, instead of being challenged?
So, anyway, some years back, I went K-box with this friend of mine whom I weren't very close to. Halfway, she asked me, 'Is my singing really very bad?' Now, she was looking at me with these innocent, puppy eyes. Earnest expression. To tell the truth or not? Up till then, my ears wasn't feeling very comfortable, but I wasn't exactly a singing sensation myself, so what right do I have to criticize others? Besides, I wasn't even that close to her in the first place, so I should probably reserve my truest comments to those who are more liable to swallow it.
'Yes, your singing is really awful.'
The words left my mouth even before I could strangle my throat and die from suffocation. Did I regret it immediately after the words left my mouth? Yes and No. Yes because I realized how deep an impact my words had left on the listener, and could very well from then on, be the very reason that she never opens her mouth to sing in front of a living person ever again. Of course, it wasn't that serious, she could always sing to her soft toy bear at home, but yes, her self-esteem was pulled down by a few notches.
No because it felt good to tell the truth, and I've always thought that if there is one thing good that comes out of criticism: my demoralization probably enhanced her determination to improve her singing abilities, so maybe she can prove me wrong, and one day become the next Stephanie Sun, and when she goes on stage to receive her award, she would do a Jolin Tsai and mention me in her speech, 'Many years ago, someone told me that my singing was awful. I would like to thank all my detractors because they only served to make me work harder.'
So, I always sought comfort in this little thought of mine. Inside of me, the guilt just continued eating into me like a ravenous monster with an insatiable appetite, and it didn't make matters any better when I knew that my little comment had really affected her.
So, one day, I went up to her and tried to say as casually as I could, 'Hey, did what I say last time affect you?'
She shook her head and said, 'No.'
'Really?'
'No.' Her expression was sombre, but she shook her head vigorously, 'No.'
'Er....so do you still remember what I said?'
'Yes.' Her expression remained the same. If she felt any anger, her expression didn't betray any such feelings arousing within her.
'So, what did I say?' God, this was even worse than stuffing myself silly and sitting on the couch watching TV for hours. The guilty feelings were much more intensified, and it was kinda a hard-stopping moment as I waited breathlessly for her answer.
'You said my singing sucks.' The words came out faster than I expected, but still the nonchalent look remained, before she shrugged and walked away.
Excuse me, how do you spell L-I-A-R?
So, while I was doing my internship, one day, my colleague approached me and asked me to go for a roadshow to help out for the second time. Disgruntled with being treated like cheap labour, I didn't have any motivation in me urging me to take up the offer. But, come on, I was only an intern and she was of a much higher corporate position as me. On top of that, I still had my grades to consider, I didn't want my A to be reduced to a B, or a B to a C. So, as much as I hated to go, I couldn't reject the task she had assigned me to. And, for what reason? Just based on a weak excuse like 'I don't feel like going'? Hah, as if I had better things to do stuck in the office, staring at the computer screen and feigning interest in pretense work. In short, deep down inside, I knew I couldn't and wouldn't say 'No'.
'No, I don't think I want to go. Besides the last time I helped out at the roadshow, I just ended up standing around doing nothing half of the time because you people have actually hired so many part-timers that we interns didn't even need to be there in the first place. I'd rather stay in the office.'
Now, I wasn't really a fan of the way this lady looked at me, when I had concluded my speech. Shock, realization and annoyance struggled for dominance on her face all at the same time. What? Had I said something wrong? Did I not conform to society rules where those at the bottomless pit of the corporate ladder had to do without questions asked and without any display of displeasure as long as the person who asked is someone of a higher status than you?
I say bullshit, this is not my boss, why should I listen to her? Even if it was my boss, would I have listened? I guess not. More practically, this isn't the person who is grading me, and I suspect have no influence whatsoever on my grades, so I saw it fitting enough that even though I was just an intern, we were of the same status. She could do no good to me and I could do no bad to her, or the other way round. We both had nothing to lose. At least, that's how I saw it.
In the end? The other intern did what she was told and helped out at the roadshow. Me? I stayed in the office, staring at the computer screen and feigning interest in pretense work.
Hey, at least there was aircon.
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