Life's a bitch

The dark skies doesn't seem to be clearing anytime soon.

If anything, it's just gotten darker.

No wonder it rained cats and dogs today. The weather is a perfect indication of my mood. It was pouring buckets, and I kept stepping into puddles of waters because my mind was just too overcast like the inky skies above to give a damn. There was thunder and lightning, a perfect punctuation to my mood, God seemed to be mourning for me, and what can I say? Life's a bitch.

I went back to school today. Totally took one-day leave off to settle some matters, back at school. The end result was very, very disappointing. I kept having to plead with her, but she refused adamantly. Did her attitude have to be so nasty then? She seemed so unfriendly, I couldn't even speak to her without stumbling over my words, with her fierce glare fixated upon me.

I guess this is what happens when you try to take matters into your own hands, it bites you right where it most hurts. I've learned a helluva lot from this lesson: it had so many repercussions, so many consequences that didn't cross my mind before I went ahead to do it.

If I had ONE more chance, just ONE, I wished I can turn back time and not be a smart-Aleck. Wanting to rise to fame fast, taking whatever chances I could, without considering the consequences of my reckless decisions.

I've really learned a lot the past week. Two major things, especially.

1. Things are stated in black and white for a reason.

2. Take the proper route that everyone else takes.

My mind right now is like a four-way road crossing. Very messy, very diverted, I don't know which way to go now. I don't know what to do to make up for my own mistakes, a raging, gaping blaze of agony trailing behind me just because of me and my stupid mentality.

And, I have myself, and only myself to blame.

I really wished I had followed the rules, damnit! Did it really matter to me so much that I had to lie to get my way? Ok, I didn't actually lie, but I went ahead to do it without first consulting the proper personnel or going through the proper channels.

It's times like this when you start questioning yourself whether it was truly worth it. My brain, the practical and realistic part inside me says, 'No.' But my heart, the emotional and highly idealistic alter-ego of me, says, 'Yes'.

I really want to get ahead, but I don't know what to do now.

I'm in a dilemma, and my reputation is on the chopping board, it will be the first thing to be sacrificed.

God, save me.