burnt.

Then, I discovered the difference between illusion and reality
and I'm beginning to lose my faith...

I didn't see it coming. All along, I thought that whatever I did was right. If I wanted something, I would go all out to get it. But, that doesn't mean I will stop at no bounds. If it is beyond my means, then fine, I will let it go. I won't be insistent, even if I am persistent at times. But, now, I realized I try so hard, and what did I get in return?

Maybe it's time to let go...

I didn't see it coming. It was a harsh scolding, and my mind didn't have time to react. Yet, I didn't want her to take my silence as acquiescence. Despite the riot of emotions, I had only one thought in mind: Don't apologise. No matter what I do, I must NEVER apologise because this is not my fault. Even though I was tempted, yes I was, on many counts, to say, "I'm sorry", but the words couldn't come out. I knew that those two simple words could probably erase some of the 'chaos' I've created, but I couldn't bring myself to say it, because I didn't know how to say it while meaning it.

Was it polite? Was it harsh? Was it controlled temper? No matter what, the silent fuse burning at the other end of the line was very much evident, I'm sure. I could see that she was trying her very best not to flare up, yet the words came out so harsh. And, then the insults. Where do I even begin?

At parts during the conversation, I was so choked I hardly could speak. I only managed a, "Yes, I understand. I understand."

But, the truth is, I DON'T! I FREAKING DON'T!

Am I being greedy? Asking for too much?

And, you claim that you treat me like a professional. But, your words hint otherwise. What I couldn't take the most was you INSINUATING THAT I WAS NOT BEING PROFESSIONAL AS A REPORTER.

Yes, there are guidelines to follow in the media industry. I understand. But, I don't think my actions warrant such a harsh scolding. I just did everything I could because I wanted to procure it.

Since you didn't agree to one, I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands. I refused to give up, and that is why I did what I did.

I'm glad that admist all that scolding, my mind was clear enough to point out that I've done the same with other companies, and they weren't so anal about it.

If you really treated me as a professional instead of an amateur, I'm sure the scolding wouldn't even have existed. Seriously, I don't know how the media industry in Singapore works! After this, I'm even more sure that if I ever had a choice, I'll never return to Singapore if I wanted a career in the media, people are either too bitchy or too anal.

It's a small industry right? Will I get blacklisted? Whatever.

Rules are made by people!
If I can, I'll be the first to change them.

I can't even express how disillusioned I am today. I'm even thinking maybe I'm not cut out for the media industry, and might like to stick to being a cubicle rat.

I can't stand the thought of
being just another face in the crowd