learning how to eat with chopsticks

I bring Han to my favourite Chinatown dumplings store located in the Melbourne CBD. She actually has the intention of asking for a FORK to eat the dumplings, so I curtly inform her that she is not allowed to use any forks in my presence, and that she must eat dumplings the authentic Asian way, aka with chopsticks.

"Are you trying to tell me how I should eat?" She asks, with a mock-angry expression, to which I reply yes.

The dumplings arrive, piping hot, as usual.

Han picks up a pair of chopsticks and fumbles to hoist a dumpling out of the bamboo basket. The skin of the dumpling breaks loose, and a ball of minced pork comes tumbling out. I try my best not to laugh, but fail miserably.

The Shanghai dumpling is what one International Herald Tribune reporter described as, "an elegant culinary achievement masquerading as a humble snack". I teach Han how to eat this "elegant culinary achievement".

Use a chopstick to take the dumpling out of the container and place it on the spoon. When you take a bite into the juicy dumplings, be sure to keep the spoon underneath at all times, because there is a spoonful of pork soup inside, and you don't want everything to leak out and drip all over.

She asks for a fork again, but I stop her. So, she picks up the chopstick and attempts another try. I try to teach her the correct placing of her thumb, second and middle finger. I tell her to jam the chopstick betwixt her thumb and middle finger, with her index finger placed on the top of the chopstick.

She tries to follow, but she is holding the chopstick the wrong way, even after my numerous attempts to teach her. People are staring at us now, a Chinese girl teaching an Aussie girl how to hold a pair of chopsticks. Han thinks I feel embarrassed because of her. I am embarrassed to tell her that she is right.

I teach her how to use the chopsticks again. Following which, she makes a couple of failed attempts. I'm not being of much help when I'm sitting there laughing my head off.

She is hell-bent on learning how to use the chopsticks and picks it up again, poking at the dumplings. Her chopsticks are unable to fasten a firm hold on the dumpling, and as she lifts it up to the air, the dumpling falls apart and slips onto the dirty table. She wraps up the dumpling in tissue and puts it aside.

Within less than 10 minutes, there are a total of three dumplings being wrapped up and put aside.

Two Aussie girls walks in. They order a bowl of noodles and dumplings. I watch them, as the both of them use chopsticks to navigate through their food effortlessly.

I point them out to Han. My intention is to make her feel embarrassed. She looks at the girls, then back at me with a mock sorrowful expression, following which she attempts to justify her inability to use the chopsticks effortlessly to growing up in a place where there were no Chinese eateries in the vicinity.

She wonders aloud why her nimble fingers that are so acquainted with the violin and the paintbrush, deviate into a complete failure when confronted with an innocuous pair of chopsticks.

When we were getting up to leave, Han turned to me and said,

"Don't you DARE blog about me having trouble eating with chopsticks!"

"How you KNOW?!!!! Hahahahaahahaaa......"