The first is where The Sleep FairyGodmother suddenly descends and everyone goes into automatic eye-shut mode.
The second is where someone gets up and (willingly) offers their seat.
Today, I walked into a bus, and the second happened to me.
Okay....
I'M NOT EVEN PREGNANT OR OLD!!!!!!
The poor soul whom I'm cursing right now is a 30-something year old businessmen, in a straight-cut business suit, and looks all smart and business-y.
I had boarded the bus, and to my dismay, all seats were filled up and there were many standing. Either my face was very black or MY TUMMY IS VERY OBVIOUS, because after standing for barely more than a minute, the man behind me stood up and said to me, 'You can sit.'
I didn't hear him for the first time round, but I heard the same deep voice echoing behind my back once again, and when I turned, a very tall Malay, professional-looking man, said to me again, 'You can sit down' before gesturing to the seat behind me.
Because everything happened so fast, my voice didn't have time to react. So, ass did the thinking for me. Or rather, on behalf of my brain, which works at a slower rate than my now non-existent dial-up connection modem. Of course, my lazy ass wanted to quickly plonk itself on the seat, so that's what I hurriedly did. Without so much as muttering a word of 'thanks'.
In the beginning, I was thinking to myself (ALRIGHT, YOU WIN, COMFORTING MYSELF), that the man was prepared to alight at the next stop, so that's why he got up earlier and got me to sit down because I was the one standing nearest to him.
I mean, that's the basic reaction one gets right? Ass don't come out of the seat until old woman walks in or one reaches his or her destination.
But, no, the man didn't alight at the next bus-stop!!!! Instead, he continued standing while my ass comfortably made itself at home snuggling up to the seat.
SO WHY DID THE MAN GIVE UP HIS SEAT TO ME?????!!!!!
After much deep pondering, I have come up with four possible scenarios.
1) Of course, it's no surprise that he would give up his seat to me. I mean, everyone is fighting for a chance to give up their seats to me. I'm like, -what?- the closest Singapore ever gets to Angelina Jolie (cues vomit) You know, people like to brag they they gave up their seat to Angelina Jolie. That beats 'Oh, I gave up my seat to this 80-year-old grandmother, who looked like she was about to collapse anytime.'
2) He saw my black face after finding no empty seats.
3) He thinks I'm pregnant.
4) I'm a big fat liar. I'm actually an 80-year-old grandmother, taking on the identity of this young lady, and my arthritic-ridden fingers are the one doing the typing right now. That explains everything. That explains why that young lad gave up his seat to me. I must also add on ah, that nowadays, you young people all got no manners, see old people still carry on sitting, how many people like this good man give up their seats to me? Learn something, readers!
After much thinking again, I have come up with one final conclusion: He thinks I is pregnant.
Yes, yes, I'm one of those people who when asked a pyschological question such as: Why is everyone staring at you today? My answer is always the same: Because my fly is open.
Great. This is a predomination for me to start losing weight.
Which brings me back to my secondary school days. Rewind back to the time when my house was under renovation and we all moved to Stevens Road to stay temporarily. Since Orchard Road was only a few bus stops away, my sister and I would without fail, make a trip down there everyday. And, when I say everyday, I mean every single day.
So, one day, we were on the bus from Orchard Road going back to our house. Since it was around 6pm, the bus was sardine-packed, and there was barely enough arm space. We were lucky, my sister and I got seats.
Then, suddenly, when ass was comfortable and all, my guilty conscience hit me harder than a wet rag. I looked around and I saw all these grumpy, frustrated faces around me standing. They didn't look happy to be standing at all. How could I??!!! How could I just sit there comfortably while there were all these tired-looking people around me??! I couldn't. So, I started looking around. Finally, I spotted my target: a young, (late-20s or early 30s) professional-looking working lady. So, I dragged my reluctant ass out of the seat.
'You can sit on my seat.' I told her.
Oh god, I was so proud of myself. See, I'm not self-centered and selfish. Here I am, offering my seat to a young working lady who'd probably just knocked off from work and was tired and just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.
The lady just ignored me.
So, I repeated myself, all the while gesturing to the seat which my ass had just warmed up seconds ago.
Again, she didn't reply. But, looked at me with this look that I swear wasn't very pleasant.
I felt my anger flare like fireworks on the horizonsky during National Day Parade. Here I was, being a kind and selfless soul, offering my seat to a tired-looking lady, SO WHY THE HELL DOES SHE NOT APPRECIATE MY SELFLESSNESS AND SIT DOWN?!
Finally, she replied. 'No, no!' waving her hands maniacally around. I was horrified. Is this the way one reacts to another's kindness? I was convinced that this lady wasn't very friendly.
And, so I insisted, asking her again to sit down. She said, 'No, no!' And, finally, with her features scowling fiercely, she turned on her heels (whatever space there was left for her to turn) and pushed her way to the back of the bus.
I was horrified, looked at my sister, as if to say, 'Can you believe it? I was kind enough to offer this young lady my seat, and she just totally snubbed me? And, what the hell was that look on her face for?!'
When we reached our bus stop, we alighted, my mind still reeling with the shock and level of unfriendliness the woman had just bestowed upon me.
My sister then turned to me and said something I will remember for the rest of my life.
"YOU DON'T GIVE UP YOUR SEAT TO A YOUNG LADY."
Oh.
You don't???
Okay. Look. How was I supposed to know right? I mean my textbook didn't say that. No one told me that you only give up seats to old and pregnant people. And, come on, I was only like what - 12 years old? - who would know such deep logic at such a young age right? Yup, not my fault. Totally not my fault.
So, now I have grown up to be a very sensible teenager verging on adulthood status. And, I know. Really, I do. You don't give up your seat to young people. Only old grandpas and grandmas. And women who sport visible big bumps on their stomachs. Of the right kind, of course. You don't want to go around offending any random horizontally-challenged woman.
Oh, and I bet a dime my Moral and Civics Education teacher would be so proud of me. =))
I know! I finally know!!! The woman has disguised herself as a man to take revenge on me, that day many years ago, when I 'insulted' her for looking old. Oh, come on! I didn't mean it that way. Be kind. =))
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