there are some things I realized I freaking forgot to mention in my previous entry:
ONE: I wasn't ENTIRELY joking when I asked my friend to come back to school to retrieve my burnt CD for me. When I mentioned in the previous post that "I was jokingly pleading with one of my friends to come back to school to retrieve my burnt CD for me"; what I meant was asking in a joking manner, but deep down inside your heart, you hope your wish would be fulfilled. Don't understand? It's like when you tell your boyfriend you HATE flowers because it's the most unpractical gift he could get for you. And, besides, you are allergic to it. But, then you scream at your boyfriend because he fails to get flowers for you during Valentine's Day, when you are surrounded by those apparently allergic flowers all around you. If I was joking, I wouldn't have asked my other friend to do the same for me.
Another thing: You stated in your blog how come I was so afraid to trouble my fellow classmate to retrieve the CD for me, but was willing to put the burden on my close friend instead. OK, let me ask you what is the difference between a 'classmate' and a 'close friend'?
| classmate | |
noun | |
| an acquaintance that you go to school with [syn: schoolmate] |
WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.
friend
[frend] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
As you can see, to fully explain the concept of the difference between a 'classmate' and a 'friend', I checked dictionary.com, and it states that a friend is someone whom you have "feelings of affection or personal regard". Understand what is the meaning of that? It means that because someone is close to me, that I dare to trouble her without thinking that I'm troubling her. Something like that. I'm not thinking very coherently.
I think it's the same logic as we are more daring to be fierce and rude to our family members more so than to our friends. Because we are closer to them. And, maybe, because you know they can't really stay mad at you for so long.
You state in your entry that "True friends do not take advantage of each other". I seriously do not understand why it comes to a point that I'm taking advantage of my friends. It's more like a favour, you see. Give and take in a friendship? If my friend comes late to school and she asks me to help her sign in, does it mean she's taking advantage of me? I would rather see it as a personal favour (i.e. no strings attached) because of "feelings of affection or personal regard".
Secondly, the thing about blog wars is that the dead gets unburied. Har, what am I toking about? It means all the skeletons in the closet gets dug out, all the past issues, all the hurt, betrayal (?) gets scrapped out and conveyed via the blog.
Once, I told my friend to accompany me to an event (of course, to chase my idols!). She was rather reluctant, but after countless pleas, she finally agreed. At the last possible moment, she found out that it was a FAN CLUB event. She got so fucking mad, by the time my father's car drove up to her bus-stop to pick her up, she was already crying so badly, and under the twilight beams, I could see those tears trickling down her cheeks.
The problem was that she KNEW it wasn't my fault, but she didn't like the way I handled the whole thing. She felt that I had lied to her to get her to accompany me to the event, but it was NEVER my intention. Why I didn't tell her was that I didn't know that it mattered so much to her. In my mind, it didn't matter a zilch.
The same thing applies to your case. I didn't know that it matter, because to quote you, "I’m not God you see."
AHH, FUCK. I TOO HAVE COUNTLESS SKELETONS WAITING TO BE DUG OUT. I don't even fucking know if I should even pull out the skeletons in the first place. On one side, it's like the skeletons are pleading with me to let them out, on the other side, I'm fucking scared because I don't know what will happen once I let those skeletons out.
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I AM FUCKING SELFISH...OH PLEASE, I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO MENTION WHAT HAPPENED OVER HERE. BECAUSE WE ARE ALL SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND WHATEVER WE SAY, THE OTHER PARTY ALWAYS HAS A REBUTTAL. WHAT'S THIS WHOLE THING CALLED? ARE WE HAVING AN ARGUMENT? ARE WE FIGHTING OVER SOME ISSUE, LIKE A DEBATE? HELL, NO! ALL WE ARE FIGHTING FOR IS OUR "FACE". TO SAVE OUR OWN FACE. TO SAVE OUR OWN DIGNITY. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THEN, ALL THESE WORDS ARE FUCKING USELESS AND HOLDS NO MEANING. EXCEPT TO ANGER. TO IGNITE SPITE IN THE BOTH OF US.
OK, so right now, you are probably going to ask 'what skeletons? what stupid fucking ass skeletons are you talking about?'
Do you know something? When I first set out to write that blog entry, one thing I kept VERY in mind was to NOT BRING UP ANY OLD ISSUES. Did you know why I had such an unwritten policy in my mind from the beginning? Why I choose only to mention concurrent issues, instead of bringing up the past to beef up my argument? Because then the whole argument will be never-ending, and with the past, you RE-OPEN a lot of old wounds, and the fucking last thing I need is to re-open ALL THOSE WOUNDS THAT YOU CAUSED ME.
OK, right now, you are gonna ask me, "What wounds? What stupid fucking ass wounds are you talking about?"
But, you know what? I'm going to keep things as they were. The unwritten policy still shall apply in this post and in future posts as well. I shall not dig up issues from the past, but I just want to let you know that there fucking WERE issues in the past!
Of course, in any argument, in my heart you're always at the winning end, because I understand that you have issues with yourself. THE LAST THING I WANT IS OF COURSE TO CREATE ISSUES FOR YOU. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE KEPT QUIET FOR THE PAST XXXXXX AND I THINK THAT THE VERY LEAST I DESERVE NOW IS FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
Er, last but not least, the million-dollar question, you say that "I would never apologise to you, because I think I have the right to be angry too." I don't understand why you have the right to be angry, unless your anger is built upon some hurt from the past, then I fully understand. In which case, I then have A LOT to be angry about.
I'm thinking. If I hit 'publish', I may lose you as a friend. But if I hit 'Save as Draft', I don't know who I am anymore. So, I hit 'publish' cause the last thing I need is to lose myself and be someone I don't know.
p.s./ if you want to know what one of those 'skeletons' were, try recalling what you said to me in class on the March 16, 2007. Ahh, fuck, just refer to the blog entry on that stated date.
| 1. | a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. |
As you can see, to fully explain the concept of the difference between a 'classmate' and a 'friend', I checked dictionary.com, and it states that a friend is someone whom you have "feelings of affection or personal regard". Understand what is the meaning of that? It means that because someone is close to me, that I dare to trouble her without thinking that I'm troubling her. Something like that. I'm not thinking very coherently.
I think it's the same logic as we are more daring to be fierce and rude to our family members more so than to our friends. Because we are closer to them. And, maybe, because you know they can't really stay mad at you for so long.
You state in your entry that "True friends do not take advantage of each other". I seriously do not understand why it comes to a point that I'm taking advantage of my friends. It's more like a favour, you see. Give and take in a friendship? If my friend comes late to school and she asks me to help her sign in, does it mean she's taking advantage of me? I would rather see it as a personal favour (i.e. no strings attached) because of "feelings of affection or personal regard".
Secondly, the thing about blog wars is that the dead gets unburied. Har, what am I toking about? It means all the skeletons in the closet gets dug out, all the past issues, all the hurt, betrayal (?) gets scrapped out and conveyed via the blog.
Once, I told my friend to accompany me to an event (of course, to chase my idols!). She was rather reluctant, but after countless pleas, she finally agreed. At the last possible moment, she found out that it was a FAN CLUB event. She got so fucking mad, by the time my father's car drove up to her bus-stop to pick her up, she was already crying so badly, and under the twilight beams, I could see those tears trickling down her cheeks.
The problem was that she KNEW it wasn't my fault, but she didn't like the way I handled the whole thing. She felt that I had lied to her to get her to accompany me to the event, but it was NEVER my intention. Why I didn't tell her was that I didn't know that it mattered so much to her. In my mind, it didn't matter a zilch.
The same thing applies to your case. I didn't know that it matter, because to quote you, "I’m not God you see."
AHH, FUCK. I TOO HAVE COUNTLESS SKELETONS WAITING TO BE DUG OUT. I don't even fucking know if I should even pull out the skeletons in the first place. On one side, it's like the skeletons are pleading with me to let them out, on the other side, I'm fucking scared because I don't know what will happen once I let those skeletons out.
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I AM FUCKING SELFISH...OH PLEASE, I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO MENTION WHAT HAPPENED OVER HERE. BECAUSE WE ARE ALL SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND WHATEVER WE SAY, THE OTHER PARTY ALWAYS HAS A REBUTTAL. WHAT'S THIS WHOLE THING CALLED? ARE WE HAVING AN ARGUMENT? ARE WE FIGHTING OVER SOME ISSUE, LIKE A DEBATE? HELL, NO! ALL WE ARE FIGHTING FOR IS OUR "FACE". TO SAVE OUR OWN FACE. TO SAVE OUR OWN DIGNITY. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THEN, ALL THESE WORDS ARE FUCKING USELESS AND HOLDS NO MEANING. EXCEPT TO ANGER. TO IGNITE SPITE IN THE BOTH OF US.
OK, so right now, you are probably going to ask 'what skeletons? what stupid fucking ass skeletons are you talking about?'
Do you know something? When I first set out to write that blog entry, one thing I kept VERY in mind was to NOT BRING UP ANY OLD ISSUES. Did you know why I had such an unwritten policy in my mind from the beginning? Why I choose only to mention concurrent issues, instead of bringing up the past to beef up my argument? Because then the whole argument will be never-ending, and with the past, you RE-OPEN a lot of old wounds, and the fucking last thing I need is to re-open ALL THOSE WOUNDS THAT YOU CAUSED ME.
OK, right now, you are gonna ask me, "What wounds? What stupid fucking ass wounds are you talking about?"
But, you know what? I'm going to keep things as they were. The unwritten policy still shall apply in this post and in future posts as well. I shall not dig up issues from the past, but I just want to let you know that there fucking WERE issues in the past!
Of course, in any argument, in my heart you're always at the winning end, because I understand that you have issues with yourself. THE LAST THING I WANT IS OF COURSE TO CREATE ISSUES FOR YOU. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE KEPT QUIET FOR THE PAST XXXXXX AND I THINK THAT THE VERY LEAST I DESERVE NOW IS FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
Er, last but not least, the million-dollar question, you say that "I would never apologise to you, because I think I have the right to be angry too." I don't understand why you have the right to be angry, unless your anger is built upon some hurt from the past, then I fully understand. In which case, I then have A LOT to be angry about.
I'm thinking. If I hit 'publish', I may lose you as a friend. But if I hit 'Save as Draft', I don't know who I am anymore. So, I hit 'publish' cause the last thing I need is to lose myself and be someone I don't know.
p.s./ if you want to know what one of those 'skeletons' were, try recalling what you said to me in class on the March 16, 2007. Ahh, fuck, just refer to the blog entry on that stated date.
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