WANTED: MY VOICE BACK

This post is not meant to offend anyone. I'm just trying to find back my voice, something which I've lost for far too long.

What does friendship mean, really? For me, friendship has always been a kind of relationship that can be compromised when it comes to love. In the hierarchy of relationships, friendship almost always ranks below that 'special someone'. I fully believe that friends will betray one another over their boyfriends/girlfriends, heck, those friends who ain't even worth keeping are those that betray or desert you over some random dude.

I had arguments with TWO friends over ONE day. When the second row happened, I felt like tearing my hair out and cutting off contacts with ALL of my friends, excluding Steff. I got into a bottomless pit where my hands clawed helplessly against the unknown of whatever darkness was enveloping me.

And, then my friend decided to talk it out. She had left, then came back again, tapped me on the shoulder gently, then said we should talk things out.

You see what is the problem with all conflicts? It's that neither or either one of the parties are willing to trash things out! Either stomping off in a fit of anger, leaving behind a trailing blaze of agony, feeling upset and full of anger. It just doesn't work that way, get it?

So that's how basically how one of the arguments with my friend wrote its final ending: she made a statement by stomping off in a fit of anger.

So, I was jokingly pleading with one of my friends to come back to school to retrieve my burnt CD for me, which she replied vehemently with a 'NO.' Capital N. Capital O. I got the message, but as I was just playing around, I didn't understand what was the figging hell with all that anger and disbelief in her reply. But, it didn't take me long to erase that puzzlement in my mind.

So, as we were exiting from the school compounds, I asked another of my friend to collect the CD from a fellow classmate instead. She readily agreed, as she lived quite near to that classmate of hers.

Let me just reproduce a fragment of the conversation verbatim (as far as my memory can serve me) over here:

HER: "Of course I'm not going to come back all the way to school just to collect YOUR CD! What about my transport fare then, who's gonna pay for it?!!"

ME: "Please lor...XX (my other friend) doesn't even talk to me about transport fare..."

When I said that, I wasn't angry or anything. There wasn't any ill feelings involved in my reply, but somehow, along the way, the same message was interpreted with different connotations when it went into a different pair of ears. So, basically, my friend spat out "Fine!" before stomping off in anger. What a statement to mark the end of our poly years!

Look, I'm just trying to be fair here. I've even reproduced whatever 'criminal evidence' I have over here, to justify my own feelings and this blog entry. Does anyone dare to say IT IS MY BLOODY FUCKING FAULT THAT I MADE YOU MAD!??

I believed that you had entirely no reason at all to be mad, and I still do. If there's anyone at all that should be offended, it should be ME. Why is my friend splitting hairs over meager transport fares with me? I simply cannot fathom. If my friend needs to pass me a CD that I need urgently for my work, does she ask me to pay $2.35 for her bus rides? Once again, I'm just trying to be fair, and asking you to see reason, not the colour of red.

Ok, so after the whole affair was over, with me emerging with a million question minds invading my brain for domination, my other friend actually remarked to me, "See lah, you make her pissed..." before giving me a disapproving look.

At that time, the words didn't register in my head. I heard it, but the words didn't really sink in. It was only when dusk fell, when the words truly registered. AGAIN, I AM ASKING THE BOTH OF YOU TO BE FAIR HERE, ASK YOU OWN CONSCIENCE, IS IT FAIR TO BLAME IT ON ME?

They say that in ANY argument, BOTH parties have to be blame. Seriously, FUCK LAH, I CAN'T SEE ANY REASON AT ALL WHY I SHOULD BE BLAMED. Can anyone please enlighten me as to how I should be blamed because I seriously don't see where my fault in this whole saga lies?

IF YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE PMS, THAT YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD MENTAL STATE, THAT YOU ARE NOT FEELING TOO GOOD ON THAT DAY, THAT YOU ARE NOT FEELING TOO GOOD BECAUSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU IS NOT IN A GOOD PHYSICAL STATE, THEN FINE. I am not an unreasonable person, and I can close an eye. But, THE LEAST I FUCKING DESERVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT AND SUCH DISAPPROVING GLANCES FROM MY FRIEND IS A FUCKING EXPLANATION. I don't want to glide over such stuff...because I'm feeling very tired...THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!

If I don't speak out now BECAUSE OF FEAR, AFRAID TO HURT OTHERS' FEELINGS AFRAID OF THIS, AFRAID OF THAT, ONE DAY I'M GONNA LOSE MY VOICE.

please, I'm just trying to find back my voice, words with buckets of emotions that would otherwise have gone missing without this blog.

p/s. if after reading this entry, you still think that you're in the right, then please have a good life ahead of you. but the last thing I need right now is to lose another friend.