Confessions of a Languish Soul

There is 1 successful suicide attempt in Singapore each day.

When will I ever become that statistic?

Unless you are one yourself, you never really know.

That person could be anyone, a classmate, a relative or even someone closer to home. You could be living under the same roof as him or her, but you never really get to delve into this side of them. Simply because they rarely or never display such emotions openly.

Ever wondered what goes through the head of a perpetually sad person?

* Here is a true-life account of a languish soul who shall not be named to protect his privacy.

I go through my life rarely feeling any form of happiness. Sadness is almost a permanent fixture in my life, it is my friend, my confidante, my soul mate. It is my most reliable companion, and also the one that I hate the most. Yet, the more my hatred for it grows, the more I seek comfort and solace in its companionship. Simply because it is the only one that truly understands me.

Life is a dread. I especially hate going to school, I have to drag my reluctant feet to school every morning. The mere thought of going to this "prison hell" instills both fear and sadness in my heart.

I often have suicidal thoughts. I constantly get the feeling that I am useless, and my existence on earth is merely draining other more worthy, contributing members of society of natural resources, like air, water and food.

Even though I'm still young, I often think about how it is like to lay in a coffin, its lush and comfy confines and be forever removed from the eternal hell that is Earth.

I think about how it is like to live a life of a human being without any emotions, freed from feelings of hurt, betrayal and loneliness (emotions I experience on a daily basis). I would feel no pain, no hurt, never again will I have to endure the feeling of loneliness.

I will be like a puppet who mindlessly obeys his master's command. The master is my life and my body is its puppet, going through the daily motions of life without living it.

The daily motions of life. That's what I have to go through every day. I question my existence on earth, and such feelings of doubts intensified after a loved one of mine died. I don't know what I am living for. I have my dreams, my ambitions, but sometimes the overwhelming feelings of sadness drains away any remnants of aspiration. What is a human being without any dreams and inspirations?

As I mentioned earlier, I often have suicidal thoughts. On good days, my mind may be freed of such thoughts. But, on bad days, it can occur on a half-hourly or hourly basis. I wouldn't say that it has affected the calling of my life majorly, but it has had an overwhelming, drastic impact on my emotions. You know how draining emotions can be sometimes.

I've heard of the "trend" of teenagers cutting their wrists, hoping to make use of physical hurt to cover their emotional pain. Even though I don't condone such behaviour, I can understand the pain that led them to take such actions and cause bodily harm to their fragile selves.

I've never had the courage to slash my wrists, but once in a while, I press a penknife or scissors to my wrist. Nothing further than that. My mind does the rest of the work, imagining my blood flowing freely and letting go.

For those of you who think they are merely being foolish and silly for causing bodily harm to themselves, a bigger issue to consider would be what went wrong, rather than blame anyone. Though, I would advise teenagers not to do that, because it really doesn't solve anything. Why not confide in a friend? It always makes one feel a lot better.

I hope never.