This post is not meant to offend anyone. I'm just trying to find back my voice, something which I've lost for far too long.
What does friendship mean, really? For me, friendship has always been a kind of relationship that can be compromised when it comes to love. In the hierarchy of relationships, friendship almost always ranks below that 'special someone'. I fully believe that friends will betray one another over their boyfriends/girlfriends, heck, those friends who ain't even worth keeping are those that betray or desert you over some random dude.
I had arguments with TWO friends over ONE day. When the second row happened, I felt like tearing my hair out and cutting off contacts with ALL of my friends, excluding Steff. I got into a bottomless pit where my hands clawed helplessly against the unknown of whatever darkness was enveloping me.
And, then my friend decided to talk it out. She had left, then came back again, tapped me on the shoulder gently, then said we should talk things out.
You see what is the problem with all conflicts? It's that neither or either one of the parties are willing to trash things out! Either stomping off in a fit of anger, leaving behind a trailing blaze of agony, feeling upset and full of anger. It just doesn't work that way, get it?
So that's how basically how one of the arguments with my friend wrote its final ending: she made a statement by stomping off in a fit of anger.
So, I was jokingly pleading with one of my friends to come back to school to retrieve my burnt CD for me, which she replied vehemently with a 'NO.' Capital N. Capital O. I got the message, but as I was just playing around, I didn't understand what was the figging hell with all that anger and disbelief in her reply. But, it didn't take me long to erase that puzzlement in my mind.
So, as we were exiting from the school compounds, I asked another of my friend to collect the CD from a fellow classmate instead. She readily agreed, as she lived quite near to that classmate of hers.
Let me just reproduce a fragment of the conversation verbatim (as far as my memory can serve me) over here:
HER: "Of course I'm not going to come back all the way to school just to collect YOUR CD! What about my transport fare then, who's gonna pay for it?!!"
ME: "Please lor...XX (my other friend) doesn't even talk to me about transport fare..."
When I said that, I wasn't angry or anything. There wasn't any ill feelings involved in my reply, but somehow, along the way, the same message was interpreted with different connotations when it went into a different pair of ears. So, basically, my friend spat out "Fine!" before stomping off in anger. What a statement to mark the end of our poly years!
Look, I'm just trying to be fair here. I've even reproduced whatever 'criminal evidence' I have over here, to justify my own feelings and this blog entry. Does anyone dare to say IT IS MY BLOODY FUCKING FAULT THAT I MADE YOU MAD!??
I believed that you had entirely no reason at all to be mad, and I still do. If there's anyone at all that should be offended, it should be ME. Why is my friend splitting hairs over meager transport fares with me? I simply cannot fathom. If my friend needs to pass me a CD that I need urgently for my work, does she ask me to pay $2.35 for her bus rides? Once again, I'm just trying to be fair, and asking you to see reason, not the colour of red.
Ok, so after the whole affair was over, with me emerging with a million question minds invading my brain for domination, my other friend actually remarked to me, "See lah, you make her pissed..." before giving me a disapproving look.
At that time, the words didn't register in my head. I heard it, but the words didn't really sink in. It was only when dusk fell, when the words truly registered. AGAIN, I AM ASKING THE BOTH OF YOU TO BE FAIR HERE, ASK YOU OWN CONSCIENCE, IS IT FAIR TO BLAME IT ON ME?
They say that in ANY argument, BOTH parties have to be blame. Seriously, FUCK LAH, I CAN'T SEE ANY REASON AT ALL WHY I SHOULD BE BLAMED. Can anyone please enlighten me as to how I should be blamed because I seriously don't see where my fault in this whole saga lies?
IF YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE PMS, THAT YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD MENTAL STATE, THAT YOU ARE NOT FEELING TOO GOOD ON THAT DAY, THAT YOU ARE NOT FEELING TOO GOOD BECAUSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU IS NOT IN A GOOD PHYSICAL STATE, THEN FINE. I am not an unreasonable person, and I can close an eye. But, THE LEAST I FUCKING DESERVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT AND SUCH DISAPPROVING GLANCES FROM MY FRIEND IS A FUCKING EXPLANATION. I don't want to glide over such stuff...because I'm feeling very tired...THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!
If I don't speak out now BECAUSE OF FEAR, AFRAID TO HURT OTHERS' FEELINGS AFRAID OF THIS, AFRAID OF THAT, ONE DAY I'M GONNA LOSE MY VOICE.
please, I'm just trying to find back my voice, words with buckets of emotions that would otherwise have gone missing without this blog.
p/s. if after reading this entry, you still think that you're in the right, then please have a good life ahead of you. but the last thing I need right now is to lose another friend.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
two dramas in one day.
SCHOOL
What's worse than having the entire class ganged up against you in a never-seen before unity? To enter the classroom only to see the drama subsiding into hushed-up tones, fidgety eyes and awkward body movements? Or to see a bunched-up circle suddenly disperse in an unspoken compliance?
So that's basically what I witnessed in class today. The victim being a fellow classmate. Apparently, he told more lies than The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and was finally exposed by another fellow classmate.
Well, as you all know, rumours spread faster than wildfire, and soon our classmates were all talking about him and his lies. Buddies turned their backs against him, and his attempts at striking up a conversation with fellow classmates were either met with silence deadlier than a tombstone, or an emphatic 'no'.
Hardly two days passed, and soon most of the class weren't speaking to him. But, boy did they speak about him!
So, I was sitting in class today minding my own business as usual, and an informal gathering formed behind me.
They started updating each other about his lies, the tales he spun that had the naivety of some of us tightly warped around his web of deception. Not forgetting modern technology, they chalked up bandwidth space searching for his not-so-elusive nick on the web. Then, they laughed with maniacal glee and called him "dumb!" for not able to conceal his lies adequately.
They talked about trailing him, and speculated about his home address. One of the guys in the class said that no one had ever been to his house before, and they always said their good-byes at a bus-stop. Is this his own pathetic way of concealing his lies? They wondered.
Another opined, "Haha, everyone that I'm not close to and never talk to last time, like XX, YY and ZZ, suddenly all come up and talk to me. (Laughs)"
"Haha, what a way to bond the class together man!"
Isn't it ironic? It takes a lying, deceptive fellow classmate to bond the class? Like how a near-death accident suddenly reconciliate you to the fact that you should be thankful you are even alive?
And, this guy suddenly sprung into the class and jokingly quipped, "Quick, everyone disperse! He's coming!" before breaking out into a series of delirious laughter. "Hahaha, just joking!"
Do you know how I felt through all this drama? All I felt was a crushing sick feeling that compressed the insides of my stomach. All these people, who were good friends with him, whom stuck to him like super glue just days ago, whose friendship were for all to witness, suddenly turned their backs against him! Ganging up with people they've hardly spoken more than two sentences to the whole semester to gossip about him, poke ribbing fun at him, and helped to uncover his lies, peeling off the layers and layers of his deception, until they saw the true self that lay beneath that charade.
People whom he had hung out with, spend countless nights catching movies followed by dinner with, THESE WERE THE FUCKING SAME PEOPLE WHO WERE SENDING SMSES TO FELLOW CLASSMATES WHO WERE VIRTUALLY NON-EXISTENT TO THEM JUST THREE DAYS AGO, SHARING THE LATEST UPDATES ABOUT HIM, SPYING ON HIM, THEN GLOATING OVER THAT EXPOSED LIE AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS DIGNITY.
AND, SOME OF THESE FUCKING PEOPLE (THE RARE FEW, WHO STILL BOTHERED TO TALK TO HIM AT ALL) WERE TALKING AND SMILING TO HIM MINUTES AGO, AND THE NEXT WHEN HIS BACK WAS TURNED, THEY CONGREGATED AMONG THEMSELVES. DEBUNKING HIS MYTHS. HIS LIES.
Listening to their relentless mocking of him, I had a sudden urge, a temptation to scream my lungs out at them, but my cowardice made me swallow my words. My fear made me withdraw those words that jostled to meet their acquaintance with the airborne atmosphere, like an ostrich burying its head into the sand. Instead, I screamed inwardly, until I lost all sensory images and all I could see were despair. despair. despair.
And, I was thinking to myself, I wouldn't EVER take part or have anything to do with their plans of exposing him further. And, when they asked me stuff, all I did was shook my head. Couldn't speak. Didn't want to speak. Didn't want to have anything to do with it. Then, this two-faced 'friend' of mine went up to my friends and filled them in on their involvement in their so-called ingenious plan to expose his lies, by supposedly staging a 'fight'. And, I were thinking that me and my friends would be the LAST to get involve in this deceit. But, apparently, the truth is further from reality. I wouldn't know if me myself would succumb to peer pressure to get involved in questionable morals antics.
Of course, I wouldn't say that person is TOTALLY innocent. Yes, he told more lies than the boy whose lies caused him to get the sheeps that he reared killed. But, if I were them, I wouldn't trail him and spy on him. I would go up to him and confront him. Would he admit? Would he not? I wouldn't know, but his stunted facial expressions may tell more than any amount of Google-ing you spend in front of that computer.
HOME
Went home, thought that shit had happened to me. But, apparently, shit can strike you TWICE on the very same day.
I was surfing the net when my cursor accidentally clicked on a button from the top left hand corner. A browser opened and I saw that it was my sister's website. I was curious, because I had seen her building up that website from scratch, and thus wanted to see her forum postings.
So, I was just leisurely browsing through the website, when I chanced upon this drawing that looked VERY SUSPICIOUSLY FAMILIAR!
And, then it dawned on me that it was a drawing of my super talented artist friend!
OK..THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED. MY SISTER 'STOLE' MY FRIEND'S DRAWING, PUT IT ON HER OWN WEBSITE, AND PASSED IT OFF AS HER OWN!!! AND, ON TOP OF THAT, MY SISTER HAD SIGNED HER OWN SIGNATURE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PICTURE, THEREBY 'CLAIMING' THAT THE PICTURE WAS HERS...!
I was outraged at this sort of blatant plagiarism by my own sister! And, so I confronted her...
ME: Hey, did you see my friend's drawing? The sketches that she drew for me in a black book?
HER: Yeah, it's upstairs.
ME: Oh, so did you use it for anything? Any purpose?
HER: (adamantly) NO.
ME: Really?
HER: (looks at me quizzically) NO.
She was very insistent, and no matter how much I pressed to make her confess before I blew her cover, all I got from her for a reply was an emphatic 'NO."
ME: (finally exasperated) So you are saying that you DID NOT take my friend's drawing, post it online and passed it off as your own?
HER: (looks at me shockingly, followed by indignation and finally, anger) You were snooping through my stuff?
ME: No. I just accidentally clicked on the button that led me to your website. But, that's not the POINT! THE POINT IS THAT YOU TOOK MY FRIEND'S DRAWING, WITHOUT HER PERMISSION, POSTED IT ONLINE AND CLAIMED THAT IT WAS YOUR OWN DRAWING! HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!!
My sister burst into tears and started crying non-stop, which for an outsider looking in, could mistake me for the bully and her the innocent victim. So, as tears streamed down my sister's cheeks, I demanded an explanation.
Finally, after repeating things like she knew she was in the wrong, but how could I snoop through her stuff...I've just ruined her life, it's not like she wanted it blah blah blah and all that shit...she finally told me why the fucking hell she did it.
"BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T DO IT, I WOULD HAVE NO FRIENDS!"
ME: "So what does that say about your friendship?"
HER: "I WOULD RATHER HAVE FAKE FRIENDS THAN NO FRIENDS!"
OK, this is her explanation. Apparently, it was her friend's idea that she ripped my friend's design and pass it off as her own. I think it's to garner more hits or something. So, according to her, if she doesn't do as her friends say, they wouldn't be too happy and my sister risked losing their friendship as well. Which terrified her to the extent that she did as they suggested. Proto.
"Besides, only 6 people saw the design. And, I thought you wouldn't find out about it!"
"Yes, but whether it's 1 person who sees it or a million, ripping off people's designs and passing them off as your own is still not right! My friend could sue you and you could go to jail for plagiarism, you know!"
My sister wept and said that she knew she was in the wrong, and then said, "Please don't tell your friend about it." And then, more grudgingly, "I will take down the design and explain the situation to my friends OK? So don't tell your friend about it."
My reply? "But, wouldn't you risk losing your friends?"
"Yeah!" she spat. "But, since now that you've found out, I don't have a choice."
ME: "So, what would you do if you were to lose your friends?"
HER: "Commit suicide."
ME: "Yeah, so see? Don't tell your friends, no need to take down that design, just keep your friends OK?"
HER: "Argh...(Sighs) But, it's not like I will REALLY go and commit suicide RIGHT. But, I'll take a chance and tell them about it, and maybe they will still be willing to be my friends."
ME: "And, if they don't? Then, tell me, how important are your friends to you?"
HER: "VERY. MY FRIENDS ARE MY LIFE!"
ME: "More important than.....? Who or what?"
"I see them more than I see you!" was her reply. So I'm supposed to know her answer..
ME: "OK. So, let's say that tomorrow school is closed forever. Would your friends still be your top priority, more important than anyone else and everything else, or would they fade into nothingness to you?"
HER: Fade into nothingness."
Well, halfway through the argument, I asked her why instead of all those phony friendships she surrounded herself with, she didn't make friends with those nice people in her class.
She said that most of the people in her class were phony, and there were only a grand total of THREE nice people in her class, according to her.
"So, why don't you make friends with those nice people in your class?"
"Because they don't talk! They hardly say a word, how to make friends with them? The most they speak like -what?- three sentences, then they go back to their desks."
"WTF?!!! You mean there are people around who can give me a run for my money ar?!!!"
And to think I thought I was FORMIDABLE.
What's worse than having the entire class ganged up against you in a never-seen before unity? To enter the classroom only to see the drama subsiding into hushed-up tones, fidgety eyes and awkward body movements? Or to see a bunched-up circle suddenly disperse in an unspoken compliance?
So that's basically what I witnessed in class today. The victim being a fellow classmate. Apparently, he told more lies than The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and was finally exposed by another fellow classmate.
Well, as you all know, rumours spread faster than wildfire, and soon our classmates were all talking about him and his lies. Buddies turned their backs against him, and his attempts at striking up a conversation with fellow classmates were either met with silence deadlier than a tombstone, or an emphatic 'no'.
Hardly two days passed, and soon most of the class weren't speaking to him. But, boy did they speak about him!
So, I was sitting in class today minding my own business as usual, and an informal gathering formed behind me.
They started updating each other about his lies, the tales he spun that had the naivety of some of us tightly warped around his web of deception. Not forgetting modern technology, they chalked up bandwidth space searching for his not-so-elusive nick on the web. Then, they laughed with maniacal glee and called him "dumb!" for not able to conceal his lies adequately.
They talked about trailing him, and speculated about his home address. One of the guys in the class said that no one had ever been to his house before, and they always said their good-byes at a bus-stop. Is this his own pathetic way of concealing his lies? They wondered.
Another opined, "Haha, everyone that I'm not close to and never talk to last time, like XX, YY and ZZ, suddenly all come up and talk to me. (Laughs)"
"Haha, what a way to bond the class together man!"
Isn't it ironic? It takes a lying, deceptive fellow classmate to bond the class? Like how a near-death accident suddenly reconciliate you to the fact that you should be thankful you are even alive?
And, this guy suddenly sprung into the class and jokingly quipped, "Quick, everyone disperse! He's coming!" before breaking out into a series of delirious laughter. "Hahaha, just joking!"
Do you know how I felt through all this drama? All I felt was a crushing sick feeling that compressed the insides of my stomach. All these people, who were good friends with him, whom stuck to him like super glue just days ago, whose friendship were for all to witness, suddenly turned their backs against him! Ganging up with people they've hardly spoken more than two sentences to the whole semester to gossip about him, poke ribbing fun at him, and helped to uncover his lies, peeling off the layers and layers of his deception, until they saw the true self that lay beneath that charade.
People whom he had hung out with, spend countless nights catching movies followed by dinner with, THESE WERE THE FUCKING SAME PEOPLE WHO WERE SENDING SMSES TO FELLOW CLASSMATES WHO WERE VIRTUALLY NON-EXISTENT TO THEM JUST THREE DAYS AGO, SHARING THE LATEST UPDATES ABOUT HIM, SPYING ON HIM, THEN GLOATING OVER THAT EXPOSED LIE AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS DIGNITY.
AND, SOME OF THESE FUCKING PEOPLE (THE RARE FEW, WHO STILL BOTHERED TO TALK TO HIM AT ALL) WERE TALKING AND SMILING TO HIM MINUTES AGO, AND THE NEXT WHEN HIS BACK WAS TURNED, THEY CONGREGATED AMONG THEMSELVES. DEBUNKING HIS MYTHS. HIS LIES.
Listening to their relentless mocking of him, I had a sudden urge, a temptation to scream my lungs out at them, but my cowardice made me swallow my words. My fear made me withdraw those words that jostled to meet their acquaintance with the airborne atmosphere, like an ostrich burying its head into the sand. Instead, I screamed inwardly, until I lost all sensory images and all I could see were despair. despair. despair.
And, I was thinking to myself, I wouldn't EVER take part or have anything to do with their plans of exposing him further. And, when they asked me stuff, all I did was shook my head. Couldn't speak. Didn't want to speak. Didn't want to have anything to do with it. Then, this two-faced 'friend' of mine went up to my friends and filled them in on their involvement in their so-called ingenious plan to expose his lies, by supposedly staging a 'fight'. And, I were thinking that me and my friends would be the LAST to get involve in this deceit. But, apparently, the truth is further from reality. I wouldn't know if me myself would succumb to peer pressure to get involved in questionable morals antics.
Of course, I wouldn't say that person is TOTALLY innocent. Yes, he told more lies than the boy whose lies caused him to get the sheeps that he reared killed. But, if I were them, I wouldn't trail him and spy on him. I would go up to him and confront him. Would he admit? Would he not? I wouldn't know, but his stunted facial expressions may tell more than any amount of Google-ing you spend in front of that computer.
HOME
Went home, thought that shit had happened to me. But, apparently, shit can strike you TWICE on the very same day.
I was surfing the net when my cursor accidentally clicked on a button from the top left hand corner. A browser opened and I saw that it was my sister's website. I was curious, because I had seen her building up that website from scratch, and thus wanted to see her forum postings.
So, I was just leisurely browsing through the website, when I chanced upon this drawing that looked VERY SUSPICIOUSLY FAMILIAR!
And, then it dawned on me that it was a drawing of my super talented artist friend!
OK..THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED. MY SISTER 'STOLE' MY FRIEND'S DRAWING, PUT IT ON HER OWN WEBSITE, AND PASSED IT OFF AS HER OWN!!! AND, ON TOP OF THAT, MY SISTER HAD SIGNED HER OWN SIGNATURE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PICTURE, THEREBY 'CLAIMING' THAT THE PICTURE WAS HERS...!
I was outraged at this sort of blatant plagiarism by my own sister! And, so I confronted her...
ME: Hey, did you see my friend's drawing? The sketches that she drew for me in a black book?
HER: Yeah, it's upstairs.
ME: Oh, so did you use it for anything? Any purpose?
HER: (adamantly) NO.
ME: Really?
HER: (looks at me quizzically) NO.
She was very insistent, and no matter how much I pressed to make her confess before I blew her cover, all I got from her for a reply was an emphatic 'NO."
ME: (finally exasperated) So you are saying that you DID NOT take my friend's drawing, post it online and passed it off as your own?
HER: (looks at me shockingly, followed by indignation and finally, anger) You were snooping through my stuff?
ME: No. I just accidentally clicked on the button that led me to your website. But, that's not the POINT! THE POINT IS THAT YOU TOOK MY FRIEND'S DRAWING, WITHOUT HER PERMISSION, POSTED IT ONLINE AND CLAIMED THAT IT WAS YOUR OWN DRAWING! HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!!
My sister burst into tears and started crying non-stop, which for an outsider looking in, could mistake me for the bully and her the innocent victim. So, as tears streamed down my sister's cheeks, I demanded an explanation.
Finally, after repeating things like she knew she was in the wrong, but how could I snoop through her stuff...I've just ruined her life, it's not like she wanted it blah blah blah and all that shit...she finally told me why the fucking hell she did it.
"BECAUSE IF I DIDN'T DO IT, I WOULD HAVE NO FRIENDS!"
ME: "So what does that say about your friendship?"
HER: "I WOULD RATHER HAVE FAKE FRIENDS THAN NO FRIENDS!"
OK, this is her explanation. Apparently, it was her friend's idea that she ripped my friend's design and pass it off as her own. I think it's to garner more hits or something. So, according to her, if she doesn't do as her friends say, they wouldn't be too happy and my sister risked losing their friendship as well. Which terrified her to the extent that she did as they suggested. Proto.
"Besides, only 6 people saw the design. And, I thought you wouldn't find out about it!"
"Yes, but whether it's 1 person who sees it or a million, ripping off people's designs and passing them off as your own is still not right! My friend could sue you and you could go to jail for plagiarism, you know!"
My sister wept and said that she knew she was in the wrong, and then said, "Please don't tell your friend about it." And then, more grudgingly, "I will take down the design and explain the situation to my friends OK? So don't tell your friend about it."
My reply? "But, wouldn't you risk losing your friends?"
"Yeah!" she spat. "But, since now that you've found out, I don't have a choice."
ME: "So, what would you do if you were to lose your friends?"
HER: "Commit suicide."
ME: "Yeah, so see? Don't tell your friends, no need to take down that design, just keep your friends OK?"
HER: "Argh...(Sighs) But, it's not like I will REALLY go and commit suicide RIGHT. But, I'll take a chance and tell them about it, and maybe they will still be willing to be my friends."
ME: "And, if they don't? Then, tell me, how important are your friends to you?"
HER: "VERY. MY FRIENDS ARE MY LIFE!"
ME: "More important than.....? Who or what?"
"I see them more than I see you!" was her reply. So I'm supposed to know her answer..
ME: "OK. So, let's say that tomorrow school is closed forever. Would your friends still be your top priority, more important than anyone else and everything else, or would they fade into nothingness to you?"
HER: Fade into nothingness."
Well, halfway through the argument, I asked her why instead of all those phony friendships she surrounded herself with, she didn't make friends with those nice people in her class.
She said that most of the people in her class were phony, and there were only a grand total of THREE nice people in her class, according to her.
"So, why don't you make friends with those nice people in your class?"
"Because they don't talk! They hardly say a word, how to make friends with them? The most they speak like -what?- three sentences, then they go back to their desks."
"WTF?!!! You mean there are people around who can give me a run for my money ar?!!!"
And to think I thought I was FORMIDABLE.
Friday, March 16, 2007
my therapy. my pain.
But today I've realized that I've lived my life
with too many words left unsaid
emotions that will never be enunciated
but I'm finding it harder to remain silent
with too many words left unsaid
emotions that will never be enunciated
but I'm finding it harder to remain silent
You made me on the verge of breaking down today
threatening to let my sorrow engulf me
to let my tears swallow me whole
But I tried again and again
to understand your intentions
but again and again
you take advantage of my silentness
how much longer can i hold my piece?
threatening to let my sorrow engulf me
to let my tears swallow me whole
But I tried again and again
to understand your intentions
but again and again
you take advantage of my silentness
how much longer can i hold my piece?
Some people never realize that they've left a hole deeper than a bullet shot in my heart with their careless words. Do you ever go through the words in your brain before you enunciate each vowel, before each cruel remark of yours leap off your unrestrained lips? The last thing I need now is any sort of conflict, so I shall just play along with you. But don't forget what you said to me in class today, that made a tear or two drop.
and yet my hurt remained an unresolved enigma
as the piercing scanting words of yours
left denting impressions on my heart,
like an iron pressing against flesh
and threatened to combat with my emotions
I'm on a solitary battle
and i want to surrender
before I end up with more bruises
and the eternal hurt in my heart
Someone once said that one will never know whether I'm feeling down, because I look forever morose, so it wouldn't make any difference. Many times, I choose not to let my emotions show, so as not to worry those around me. But, apparently, it didn't make any difference to them. A fortune teller once said to me that I can spend my entire life trying to smile, but my fate dictates that I am destined to have a gloomy face that more often than not, doesn't reflect my actual feelings. I like to think of myself as a happy-go-lucky person, there aren't many things that ruffle my feathers, and I'm happy as long as I'm not unhappy. But, when can I stop telling myself that it's OK, when it's not? When can I stop hallucinating a better tomorrow, when my tomorrow paints such a gloomy picture?
Really, how many would have seen the tears that created a stirring pandemonium in me today? I'm increasingly finding it difficult to deal with such blatant display of favouritism.
Two more weeks
and my misery in hell is gonna be writing its final statement.
p.s. don't remind me anything about this, otherwise I will never forgive you.
as the piercing scanting words of yours
left denting impressions on my heart,
like an iron pressing against flesh
and threatened to combat with my emotions
I'm on a solitary battle
and i want to surrender
before I end up with more bruises
and the eternal hurt in my heart
Someone once said that one will never know whether I'm feeling down, because I look forever morose, so it wouldn't make any difference. Many times, I choose not to let my emotions show, so as not to worry those around me. But, apparently, it didn't make any difference to them. A fortune teller once said to me that I can spend my entire life trying to smile, but my fate dictates that I am destined to have a gloomy face that more often than not, doesn't reflect my actual feelings. I like to think of myself as a happy-go-lucky person, there aren't many things that ruffle my feathers, and I'm happy as long as I'm not unhappy. But, when can I stop telling myself that it's OK, when it's not? When can I stop hallucinating a better tomorrow, when my tomorrow paints such a gloomy picture?
Really, how many would have seen the tears that created a stirring pandemonium in me today? I'm increasingly finding it difficult to deal with such blatant display of favouritism.
Two more weeks
and my misery in hell is gonna be writing its final statement.
p.s. don't remind me anything about this, otherwise I will never forgive you.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Have you ever felt like you did something good, but out of fail of reprimandation from the other party, you kept it to yourself?
Even when the truth is swallowing you, even when the secret is playing on your lips, waiting to be enunciated into verbal vowels, you still manage to swallow the words forcefully?
And then the pang of guilt hits you.
And, when the other party starts pinpointing at you with a whole litany of accusations.
How did something so beautiful, a care and concern, turn into something so ugly?
I simply cannot comprehend.
If your motive is to make me feel guilty, sad, depressed, choked up and a whole lot of other unexplainable emotions that verge on suicidal thoughts,
Congrautulations, you've succeeded.
Even when the truth is swallowing you, even when the secret is playing on your lips, waiting to be enunciated into verbal vowels, you still manage to swallow the words forcefully?
And then the pang of guilt hits you.
And, when the other party starts pinpointing at you with a whole litany of accusations.
How did something so beautiful, a care and concern, turn into something so ugly?
I simply cannot comprehend.
If your motive is to make me feel guilty, sad, depressed, choked up and a whole lot of other unexplainable emotions that verge on suicidal thoughts,
Congrautulations, you've succeeded.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Angela Zhang @ Dragonfly, St. James Power Station
In today's Mandopop scene, filled to the brim with undeserving female artistes who pull a sweet, saccharine charade and belt out listener-friendly tunes with weak, constrained vocals, Angela Zhang is a refreshing change.
Despite her petite frame, this nubile nymph is well-known for her strong vocals, reaching all the high pitch with slick effortless.
I met this guy while queuing outside the event venue. Apparently, he had been idol-chasing, following Angela all the way from the airport the morning before till her showcase @ Dragonfly the following day.
"You should have gone to the airport," He told a few of us, "There were no supporters there...except for two pathetic creatures..." He was, presumably, talking about himself and his friend.
I asked him a few trite questions. Well, he said that he trailed Angela all the way from her arrival at Changi Airport...He told us that Angela emerged from an interview with Yes 933 at a few minutes past midnight on the same day of arrival, after which, she headed to a flower shop in Geylang...She didn't do much shopping during her trip here though, presumably due to her tight schedule, piled with media interviews etc.
Anyway, the following day, he told us that Angela didn't even step out of the hotel for the entire morning, till her showcase, where she reached the venue at 3.30pm, an hour earlier than the stated performance time. Still, the event was delayed.
According to him, Angela wasn't as friendly compared to other artistes. "Other artistes would take the initiative to come up and take a photo with you, but for Angela...(shakes head emphatically) it's hard!"
He continued, "I followed her from yesterday till today...and I didn't even get to speak to her for more than 20 sentences!"
Least any of you think that he's a big-time supporter or fan of Angela, the guy states simply, "I'm doing it for fun lor! It's my first time chasing Angela."
Some people were mistaken, and thought that Angela had cut her hair to above shoulder length...Look closely, and you will realize that she actually had her hair bunned up such that the it curled beneath her visible tresses.
After going to so many autograph sessions and fans gathering, I realize that a single huge problem artistes have today during their private or public performances or gatherings is that...the fans won't stop talking pictures with their cameras! The flash lights emitted from the cameras unceasingly created flickering shadows upon the artistes' faces, which can make them feel uncomfortable. Very soon, a private fans gathering session can turn into a press conference for the media.
Halfway through the event, Angela said in a tight voice with a hint of exasperation, "你们不要只顾着拍照嘛！跟我一起唱好吗？难得我来新加坡嘛。。。然后你们只顾着一直拍照。"
Translation: "Don't get so absorbed in just thinking photos mah, sing along together with me ok? It's so rare that I get to come to Singapore...and you people just keep taking pictures..."
There was a mini furore among the audience, who cleverly retorted, "It's precisely because it's rare that you get to come to Singapore mah, that's why we must take more pictures!"
Angela 只是淡淡的笑，感觉有点勉强。After which, she did a "peace sign" (see above picture, bottom right) for the audience to snap photos of her. The crowd went into a frenzied state of trigger-happiness.
Despite her petite frame, this nubile nymph is well-known for her strong vocals, reaching all the high pitch with slick effortless.
I met this guy while queuing outside the event venue. Apparently, he had been idol-chasing, following Angela all the way from the airport the morning before till her showcase @ Dragonfly the following day.
"You should have gone to the airport," He told a few of us, "There were no supporters there...except for two pathetic creatures..." He was, presumably, talking about himself and his friend.
I asked him a few trite questions. Well, he said that he trailed Angela all the way from her arrival at Changi Airport...He told us that Angela emerged from an interview with Yes 933 at a few minutes past midnight on the same day of arrival, after which, she headed to a flower shop in Geylang...She didn't do much shopping during her trip here though, presumably due to her tight schedule, piled with media interviews etc.
Anyway, the following day, he told us that Angela didn't even step out of the hotel for the entire morning, till her showcase, where she reached the venue at 3.30pm, an hour earlier than the stated performance time. Still, the event was delayed.
According to him, Angela wasn't as friendly compared to other artistes. "Other artistes would take the initiative to come up and take a photo with you, but for Angela...(shakes head emphatically) it's hard!"
He continued, "I followed her from yesterday till today...and I didn't even get to speak to her for more than 20 sentences!"
Least any of you think that he's a big-time supporter or fan of Angela, the guy states simply, "I'm doing it for fun lor! It's my first time chasing Angela."
Some people were mistaken, and thought that Angela had cut her hair to above shoulder length...Look closely, and you will realize that she actually had her hair bunned up such that the it curled beneath her visible tresses.
After going to so many autograph sessions and fans gathering, I realize that a single huge problem artistes have today during their private or public performances or gatherings is that...the fans won't stop talking pictures with their cameras! The flash lights emitted from the cameras unceasingly created flickering shadows upon the artistes' faces, which can make them feel uncomfortable. Very soon, a private fans gathering session can turn into a press conference for the media.
Halfway through the event, Angela said in a tight voice with a hint of exasperation, "你们不要只顾着拍照嘛！跟我一起唱好吗？难得我来新加坡嘛。。。然后你们只顾着一直拍照。"
Translation: "Don't get so absorbed in just thinking photos mah, sing along together with me ok? It's so rare that I get to come to Singapore...and you people just keep taking pictures..."
There was a mini furore among the audience, who cleverly retorted, "It's precisely because it's rare that you get to come to Singapore mah, that's why we must take more pictures!"
Angela 只是淡淡的笑，感觉有点勉强。After which, she did a "peace sign" (see above picture, bottom right) for the audience to snap photos of her. The crowd went into a frenzied state of trigger-happiness.
Friday, March 09, 2007
就算你再等十年，他也不会喜欢你的。
这就是我的一位朋友跟我说的。
当时的感觉是恍然及一丝丝的愤怒。
当那些刺耳的文字像糖在水里面溶化，衬垫了以后，那种痛仿佛淹没了我所有的理智，那种痛像是长在玫瑰花的刺一字字的刺进我的脑细胞，让我一下子被一涌的情绪冲昏了头；及是悲伤，愤怒，感慨，最后就是无奈，害怕，恐惧。。。
是这样吗？
我一直认为自己是一个很理智的人。然而，就像别人说结婚是爱情的坟墓，我的单恋也即将演变成我爱情故事的完结篇吗？
许多人认为我对他的爱只是一场游戏，因为他们的想法都很客套，我不可能喜欢上一个我完全没有面对面讲过话的人。
当是，真的，我爱上了一个陌生人。
难怪人家会怀疑我对他的爱。
看起来像是很便宜的冒牌货吧，
撕开来才发现是血淋淋的真心。
你知道吗？
我情绪的遥控器由他操控，我的开心，伤心，难过，悲伤，
因为他的开心，伤心，难过，悲伤。
我每看他一次，心就痛一次。
因为我们之间像海洋一样庞大的的距离因为他的身份，地位被拉长了。
但，也因为他的身份让我认识了他。
若这一切真的单纯只是一场游戏，那游戏的规则可能就如我朋友所说的一样，“就算你再等十年，他也不会喜欢你的。”
当时的感觉是恍然及一丝丝的愤怒。
当那些刺耳的文字像糖在水里面溶化，衬垫了以后，那种痛仿佛淹没了我所有的理智，那种痛像是长在玫瑰花的刺一字字的刺进我的脑细胞，让我一下子被一涌的情绪冲昏了头；及是悲伤，愤怒，感慨，最后就是无奈，害怕，恐惧。。。
是这样吗？
我一直认为自己是一个很理智的人。然而，就像别人说结婚是爱情的坟墓，我的单恋也即将演变成我爱情故事的完结篇吗？
许多人认为我对他的爱只是一场游戏，因为他们的想法都很客套，我不可能喜欢上一个我完全没有面对面讲过话的人。
当是，真的，我爱上了一个陌生人。
难怪人家会怀疑我对他的爱。
看起来像是很便宜的冒牌货吧，
撕开来才发现是血淋淋的真心。
你知道吗？
我情绪的遥控器由他操控，我的开心，伤心，难过，悲伤，
因为他的开心，伤心，难过，悲伤。
我每看他一次，心就痛一次。
因为我们之间像海洋一样庞大的的距离因为他的身份，地位被拉长了。
但，也因为他的身份让我认识了他。
若这一切真的单纯只是一场游戏，那游戏的规则可能就如我朋友所说的一样，“就算你再等十年，他也不会喜欢你的。”
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Fakers
They are an ubiquitous presence in our society.
You see them everywhere you go, lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on you, and most importantly, the company you can affort to dispense like a machine that works on automatic function. They display the sort of hungriness akin to that of a watchful predator.
However, they mostly come to breathing life form in a school, with its trademark cliquey high school students.
I've seen enough of them in my lifetime.
They seek you out like a temporary dispenser when they are alone, seeking companionship in their most solitary moments. The next minute, at shot-gun speed, the moment their friends materialize, they disappear as quickly as they appear.
Far more than saying I despise them, I've always had an awed sense of admiration at the mechanisms of these 'predators'.
How do they do it? I ask myself mentally. How can they so easily gain closeness to someone they've hardly or seldom spoken to? And act like he or she is their new best friend.
How can such superficial display of closeness puts one's heart at peace and ease, knowing very well they are intruding into unrequired territories, encroaching other people's privacies?
My most deeply-seated impression of a 'faker' was in Secondary 2.
The 'victim' was my very close friend.
The 'predator' was a girl whom I hated. Whenever her friend didn't came, she would stick to my friend like an irritating pest. She would disappear the moment her friend came back to class. Since I made my detest towards her relatively known, she made sure to keep out of my way.
Needless to say, I was outraged. How can a living, breathing human being turn on their emotions and feelings like a tap on automatic demand?
Recently, or should I say, right now, I have come face-to-face with another 'faker'.
Her intentions were clear, crystal in fact, from the very beginning.
Someone who didn't even pro-offer a 'Hi' or 'Bye', suddenly came up to me, friendly and all, smiles and all, wanting to be friends with me.
Her intentions became even more obvious, when I found out later that she had gotten into some kind of conflicts with her clique.
I started thinking back about the very first time she approached me.
She started with, "I've been classmates with you for 3 years now, and I've never spoken more than 10 sentences to you." (Intention Made Known No. 1)
(For the note, that wasn't true at all, and I highlighted it out to her that I've been group mates with her for twice now; of course, I deliberately left out the fact that we weren't on good terms and I constantly allowed my dislike for her to surface in a in-yer-face fashion)
I replied something along the lines of how weird it was that people used "10 sentences" to describe the clog in conversation flow between themselves and others, as I vividly remembered a classmate using that exact same phrase on another fellow classmate.
Well, I remembered another friend butting in, "There are surely some people in the class that you don't talk (much) to."
She retorted, "But I don't wish it for things to turn out like this between us." (Intention Made Very Known No. 2)
Of course, as my friends know, my brain works at the speed of a turtle, and I didn't catch any current of underlying meaning then. But, on retrospect, I realized it was her way of wanting to build up a friendship with me...and fast, so that she could have someone to hang out with.
The moment I knew her intention, I withdrew...and fast, like a turtle shrinking its head back into its shell. I didn't appreciate people treating me like a friendship dispenser, oh, press a button and here I come running to be your friend! And, if you don't need our 'friendship', you can just throw it away like a used tissue paper that you have just used to wipe your smelly ass.
Of course, for me to put up a pretense similar to the charade that she is parading, would be SO MUCH EASIER (trust me) than having to repeat similar thoughts such as "That bitch, just using me..."
It would make my life so much easier, but somehow, I can't shrug of such frivolous, valiant attempts targeted at building up a fake 'friendship'.
Such resistance to accept anything other than honesty in a friendship has often got my brain entangled in a bundle of live wires, a knot of nerves...I don't think I can ever undo that mess, because it just discounts the true meaning of friendship, in my opinion.
You see them everywhere you go, lurking in the corner, waiting to pounce on you, and most importantly, the company you can affort to dispense like a machine that works on automatic function. They display the sort of hungriness akin to that of a watchful predator.
However, they mostly come to breathing life form in a school, with its trademark cliquey high school students.
I've seen enough of them in my lifetime.
They seek you out like a temporary dispenser when they are alone, seeking companionship in their most solitary moments. The next minute, at shot-gun speed, the moment their friends materialize, they disappear as quickly as they appear.
Far more than saying I despise them, I've always had an awed sense of admiration at the mechanisms of these 'predators'.
How do they do it? I ask myself mentally. How can they so easily gain closeness to someone they've hardly or seldom spoken to? And act like he or she is their new best friend.
How can such superficial display of closeness puts one's heart at peace and ease, knowing very well they are intruding into unrequired territories, encroaching other people's privacies?
My most deeply-seated impression of a 'faker' was in Secondary 2.
The 'victim' was my very close friend.
The 'predator' was a girl whom I hated. Whenever her friend didn't came, she would stick to my friend like an irritating pest. She would disappear the moment her friend came back to class. Since I made my detest towards her relatively known, she made sure to keep out of my way.
Needless to say, I was outraged. How can a living, breathing human being turn on their emotions and feelings like a tap on automatic demand?
Recently, or should I say, right now, I have come face-to-face with another 'faker'.
Her intentions were clear, crystal in fact, from the very beginning.
Someone who didn't even pro-offer a 'Hi' or 'Bye', suddenly came up to me, friendly and all, smiles and all, wanting to be friends with me.
Her intentions became even more obvious, when I found out later that she had gotten into some kind of conflicts with her clique.
I started thinking back about the very first time she approached me.
She started with, "I've been classmates with you for 3 years now, and I've never spoken more than 10 sentences to you." (Intention Made Known No. 1)
(For the note, that wasn't true at all, and I highlighted it out to her that I've been group mates with her for twice now; of course, I deliberately left out the fact that we weren't on good terms and I constantly allowed my dislike for her to surface in a in-yer-face fashion)
I replied something along the lines of how weird it was that people used "10 sentences" to describe the clog in conversation flow between themselves and others, as I vividly remembered a classmate using that exact same phrase on another fellow classmate.
Well, I remembered another friend butting in, "There are surely some people in the class that you don't talk (much) to."
She retorted, "But I don't wish it for things to turn out like this between us." (Intention Made Very Known No. 2)
Of course, as my friends know, my brain works at the speed of a turtle, and I didn't catch any current of underlying meaning then. But, on retrospect, I realized it was her way of wanting to build up a friendship with me...and fast, so that she could have someone to hang out with.
The moment I knew her intention, I withdrew...and fast, like a turtle shrinking its head back into its shell. I didn't appreciate people treating me like a friendship dispenser, oh, press a button and here I come running to be your friend! And, if you don't need our 'friendship', you can just throw it away like a used tissue paper that you have just used to wipe your smelly ass.
Of course, for me to put up a pretense similar to the charade that she is parading, would be SO MUCH EASIER (trust me) than having to repeat similar thoughts such as "That bitch, just using me..."
It would make my life so much easier, but somehow, I can't shrug of such frivolous, valiant attempts targeted at building up a fake 'friendship'.
Such resistance to accept anything other than honesty in a friendship has often got my brain entangled in a bundle of live wires, a knot of nerves...I don't think I can ever undo that mess, because it just discounts the true meaning of friendship, in my opinion.
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