The Maid

I'm sad to say that our family is still stuck with the same maid. The same maid is still, as before, hard of hearing, frequently spurts out unintelligible Malay (that even Malays don't understand), and almost burnt down our house the other day.

Here are some conversations I've had with her over the past few months.

Me: Can the flush button be taken out?

Maid: (blank look)

Me: The flush button. (Makes flushing motion)

Maid: (blank look)

Me: (Fed up) Okay, you know, for example, when you shit in the toilet bowl, after that you must press the flush button. THE FLUSH BUTTON.

Maid: (laughs)

Me: Can you take out THE FLUSH BUTTON?

Maid: Take out?! NO LAH! Why you want to take the shit out?! Dirty lah! The shit you must throw away, why you want to take it out?!

Me: …

Our maid is now known as “no-head housefly” in our household. She gets all our clothing articles mixed up. Sometimes, she places my mum’s clothes in my cardboard, and vice versa. I think it is understandable, since she is fairly new, so it is possible to get our clothings mixed up, but nothing, ABSOUTELY NOTHING, prepared me for the sight that greeted me as I opened my cardboard on a Saturday morning.

Fed up, I took the offending piece of black article all the way downstairs, and held it up in front of my maid.

Maid: (blank, puzzled look)

Me: (continues holding up the black shirt for another ten seconds)

Maid: (blank, puzzled look) Yeah, what?

Me: (sighs) Whose clothing is this?

Maid: (blank, puzzled look)

Me: This is not my clothing, why you put it in my cardboard?!

Maid: (blank, puzzled look) Not yours, then whose?

Me: (VERY CALMLY TRYING MY BEST NOT TO EXPLODE) This is YOUR OWN clothing!

Maid: (blank, puzzled stare, then takes black shirt from me) What?!! This is my shirt?!

Me: (Exasperated) Ninda, you don’t take your own shirt and put it in other people’s cardboard!!!

Maid: (continues staring at the shirt blankly)

At this moment, my aunt’s maid walks past.

Aunt’s Maid: Ninda!! THAT IS YOUR OWN SHIRT!! WHY YOU GO AND PUT IT IN HER CARDBOARD!! (shakes head)

Maid: (continues staring at the shirt blankly for five seconds, before enlightenment dawns on her face) OH YEAH, THIS IS MY SHIRT!! (smacks forehead) Sorry, sorry, I forgot, that this shirt is mine. Thank you ah.

Me: …

I thought that was bad enough. Until a few days ago, I opened my cardboard and saw the very same black shirt neatly tucked in it. When I brought the shirt to my maid, she gave me a blank stare, before asking if I wanted her to iron the shirt for me.

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Maid: What do you want for lunch? Do you want chicken rice? I cook chicken rice for you okay?

Me: Okay, I want chicken rice.

Maid: Yeah, okay, I cook chicken rice…but sorry, no more chicken left.

Me: Okay, I would like to have the chicken rice without the chicken please.

Maid: How can eat chicken rice without chicken?!!

5 minutes later, the maid asks my sister the same thing.

Maid: Do you want chicken rice for lunch?

Sister: No, I don’t want.

Maid: Okay… got no more chicken left.

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Me: Is there any more milk left in the fridge?

Maid: Wait, I go check.

Ten minutes later...

Maid: No more milk left.

Me: Where you find the milk?

Maid: I look in the car. The car don't have any milk. Maybe Sir brought it to the office?

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