At A Crossroads, Unsure

I'm standing at a crossroads, unsure of which direction to go. There are two crafted paths for me to choose, admist a sea of many other nondescript paths.

On the right, there is a signboard that says, "Australia" and on the other is a well-trodden path, filled with potholes of deeply entrenched footprints, that puts me in a category apart from the typical educational route taken by most Singaporeans.

My once brick-hard resolve have dissolved like sugar in a water, leaving behind residues of confidence in my stance.

Of course, this has somewhat to do with comments dished out by friends.

"They throw water bottles at Asians!" said one friend.

I went home and asked my father, "Dad, do they throw water bottles at you?"

"Of course!" My father said, with a nonchalant look on his face. He then told me about how his uncle, a doctor of high qualifications, was discriminated against, just because he was of a different skin colour. The patients refused to be treated by him, and requested for an Aussie.

He continued, "But as long as you stick around with the Asians, it should be alright."

I've never given this much thought, simply because I am well aware that as long as this matter remains in my consciousness, I will never get a good night's sleep. So, constantly, I push it to the back of my mind...

Of course, I'm worried, because for the past 19 years, I've been snugly ensconced in my comfort zone, and I'm not sure I want to encroach such unfamiliar territories.

I'm so adjusted to the calm waters, and right now, I have to step tentatively, one step at a time, into chartered waters..will I drown, be swept away by the high tide of problems awaiting to ambush me at the corner?

Having been a victim of bullying for every single school I've ever been in, the thought of them throwing bottles at yours truly strikes utmost terror in my heart.

I am as sociable as a doormat and as cliquey as a high-school student (Oh, wait, I am one). So, you see, if they throw water bottles at me, I wouldn't even raise an eyebrow and ask, "Why? Why me?" Simply because I portray myself in a way that either 1) has people reclining away from me as though I have contracted Hepatitis B; or 2) throw water bottles at me.

I'm dealt with all sorts of bullies my entire nineteen (and counting) years in existence.

While other students my age were busy studying for their upcoming History test or nursing a crush on some cute guy or bugging teachers for hints for upcoming tests and exams, I was doing all three; while fighting with ah-lians, throwing shutter-cocks at their faces, fending off untrue rumours about myself spreading around like wildfire (no thanks to those ah-lians) and clogging up brain space devising all sorts of revenge methods.

The classic one was when one ah-lian started lurching into a litany of complaints against me, all while making sure that I was in ear-shot distance.

I vividly remember walking up to her table, taking up her assignments and crunching them up into a ball before I threw it to the ground in exultation. And, when she shouted at me (can't remember what), I turned to my friend sitting next to me and asked, "Did you hear a dog barking?"

Mind you, I can only relate such vivid accounts to you with delirious joy, but it was anything but joy when shit was happening to me.

So, you can see, my school life has been a very busy one indeed! I would prefer my future school life to be pedestrian for a change, so I wouldn't fancy people throwing water bottles at my face.

Of course, besides people throwing water bottles at me, there are other reasons that I feel straitjacketed by in my choice of future education path.

You see, I'm unable to function as a human being on a singular mode, and I cling to the people (i.e. my maid) around me with the same level of dependency a patient has on a life support system.

My maid is the human equivalent of antibiotics. It's not good, but it's essential, for one's continual survival or to ease the pain... for me, it's the pain of having to do things myself.

Well, anyway, today I asked two of my classmates whether they thought I should 'Go' or 'Stay'? The discussion turned out to be rather heated, but good-humoured anyway.

Go: 3-year degree course in Australia, and graduate with an Australian degree
Stay: Remain in Singapore for 2 years and fly off to Australia in the final year, and graduate with an Australian degree

Below is an extract of their discussion.

Classmate 1 (C1): I think you shouldn't go.
Classmate 2 (C2): No, I think you should go lor!
C1: If I'm an employee, I would want someone who has a good mix of both cultures, local and Ang Moh....I wouldn't want to hire someone who is totally Ang Moh.
C2: What for?! You already study in Singapore for the past 10 over years already? You've already gained enough of local culture, for what you want to continue studying here?! So boring (rolls eyes)
C1: I mean, studying itself is hard enough already. And, what? You have to be away from your the warmth of your family and friends as well? What for you want to make yourself suffer? It would be best if you stay here for the next 2 years, then just suffer for one year in a foreign country. (funny how my dad said the same thing to me)
C2: No, go go go! I mean, even stay in Singapore, normal families also hardly get a chance to talk to each other what - like everyday so busy...
C1: Yeah, but at least you get to be near your family. Even if you don't talk, sometimes you still feel the warmth radiating when they are near you. Like, sometimes, I'm in my room and my mum is in the kitchen cooking and talking loudly, I can still feel the warmth. At least, you get to see them mah.
C2: Bring along photo with you also can see what!
C1: But, it's not the real thing!
C2: If you go there, you can absorb a different kind of culture.
C1: (turns to me) Anyway, you will want to pursue a higher education level above degree right? So, if you want to chase a Master's, you can continue staying on for an additional year. So, that makes it two years in total. Enough to absorb the culture.

Anyway, halfway through the discussion, both participants got rather agitated (in a good way), each wanting to prove their points. And, I was thinking to myself, 'Er...ok, this is so funny lar!"

So, if you were to see the last sentence of the above conversation, that is the decision I've made for myself. Well, at least until someone else comes along to prove me otherwise...