I Want 2 B Famous

No, I don't have an exhibitionist streak.

Neither do I have such an inferior complex that I need to certify my own existence and self-worth by having people falling at my feet and worshipping me.

Neither has it anything to do with the fact that I've faded into oblivion and stuck out as a wallpaper for so long in my life, that I would like to be recognized for once.

No, being famous does not equate to an ego trip for me.

Stories of people living their whole lives yearning to be famous, but eventually finding out that being famous is NOT and should NEVER be a measure of one's self-worth, are a dime a dozen. But, reconciling the idea of appreciating your NOBODY status and acknowledging that you are and should only be a SOMEBODY to those people that matter is the kind of life motto that you should be striving for.

But, you don't often hear people scaling their self-worth according to that criterion, do you?

You hear people saying that their resolution in life is to be "a movie star" or "a doctor" or "a lawyer" or "somebody famous". But, how often do you hear people going, "My mission in life is to learn how to appreciate the people around me."

It's the same belief that work should be a priority above family matters. Even though many would beg to differ, even more don't practise what they preach, and parents find themselves sub-consciously sinking into the monotonous routine of work life, and frequently returning home from work late. Until one day they realize that their child calls the maid "Mummy" and insists on the maid reading his or her bedtime story or fixing their breakfast early in the morning. But, still, they are so used to living that kind of life that they don't even think about changing it.

Seriously, I value my privacy above all else, and would never be willing to trade it as currency in exchange for that much-lauded fame.

Actually, I only want to be a famous journalist. Not some pop star singer like Britney Spears or Elva Hsiao, whose life story lays out like an open journal in some tabloid rag, sundry and all. And, just for that alone, it may not be necessary to trade in my privacy, because not many people want to hear about some journalist's life story as compared to the magnitude of interest that pop stars and singers today generate. Just the amount of tabloids and gossip publications in the market will attest to that statement.

I can't imagine how Hollywood stars manage to juggle fame without resorting to jumping off a cliff or something. I mean, Jennifer Aniston said that the paparazzi once followed her all the way to see her buy TOILET PAPER...it's no wonder that stars like Cameron Diaz and Jay Chou have the utmost detest for the paparazzi. Once, Jay Chou came out of his house to place cans of dog food at his door-step, and the paparrazi stationed outside his house started snapping away like nobody's business, having no clue at all that the joke was ON them.

I enjoy walking around carelessly, and I know for sure I wouldn't appreciate people magnifying me with their eyeballs, and would very much prefer that they stick their noses in their own business, thank you for much.

Being famous is like as though people are waiting for you to fall on your noses, so they can laugh at you.


Still, like the mermaid who exchanged her voice for a pair of legs, I would gladly trade in my privacy to be recognized internationally for what I do best. While the extent of the mermaid's sacrifice did not eventually entitle her to a fairy-tale ending, mine would only mean that I've attained the epitome of what I've always wanted in life.

In fact, I talk about being a famous journalist so much that my mother once said to me,

"Why must be big? Living a simple life, isn't it good enough?"

For my mum, who has lived a simple life all her life, it seemed understandable that her mindset tilted towards the bliss of a simplistic life. I don't deny that, I've always thought (though not fully understand) that you can find joy in the simple rituals of life, and I find great joy in sleeping, eating, talking, watching TV, blogging etc.

But, I've known all along that something was missing in my life, like a jigsaw puzzle with half a piece missing. It's incomplete. It may only be half a piece short, but at the end of the day, it still remains a piercing gap.

I've always had the prefect picture envisioned of my future, and writing was always part of it. In fact, like Kit Chan once said, she yearned to become a performer so much, that "it was that, or nothing at all". Her words struck a chord inside me, and during my formulative years in life, the passion towards my choice of ambition or profession in life was so clear-cut and entrenched in my mind, that I couldn't see anything else in my future.

It is that, or nothing at all.

迟来的感动

太沉迷于寂寞
突如其来的感动
有点不太习惯

As I was about to leave my house for school today, my grandma said to me, "Are you wearing two pieces of clothing?"

"Ya. Why?"

"You look fat."

What a nice way to start your day. I was positive that the rest of my day would be as pleasant as it started out.

What I didn't know was that Fate decided to go all out to prove me right.

No. I'm kidding.

Then, as I was about to board the MRT, my friend sent me an sms which went,

"later if we go break together, then i can quietly put e bk in her bag while you wait outside w her :)"

No prizes for guessing that the receiver of the sms wasn't supposed to be me. I made a mental note to make things difficult for my friends by NOT leaving my bag unattended. Heh.

Still. I got fooled. Well, only initially.

When my friend wanted to go to the loo, and ended up literally dragging me towards the "Dark Room".

When you ask me if I enjoyed my birthday celebrations,
is there any other answer to that other than "yes"?

Just like when you ask a person, "How are you?"
Do you really need to hear, "Bad. I stepped on dog poo this morning, fell into a man-made hole on my way to school, and my train was disrupted for 40 minutes all because some kindred spirit decided to choose that holy hour to commit suicide by jumping onto the MRT tracks. And, if that's not enough, there's an idiot right now who is asking me how my sucky day went, when all I wanna do is go home right now!"

No. No one really wanna hear the truth.
So, don't bother asking.

This year is special. It's the year when the MOST number of classmates actually bothered to wish me a "happy birthday". Which just goes to show what an anti-social freak I am. Unknowingly, I also realized that many knew the actual date of my birthday each year, but few actually made acknowledgement of it.

But, still.
很遗憾没有得到她的祝福。

I guess you don't notice some things until it's gone.

It's funny, isn't it? My simple wish, for a simple "happy birthday" from someone is laced with such irony, even I find it laughable.

What you didn't know is that she remained the ONLY one in my class that never forgot my birthday fell on the 06/12.

To 8 UNLIMITED's credit, they had made pre-birthday plans 3 months in advance, and even though it wasn't EXACTLY a SURPRISE, I think IT IS THE CLOSEST I HAVE EVER GOTTEN TO A REAL BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Something I have always yearned, but due to my anti-social nature, I had it good as long as someone remembers my birthday. I must admit it's pretty depressing, witnessing my classmates' grand and flamboyant birthday parties cum gatherings. I can't really describe that kind of feeling, except that it's a cross-over between envy and jealousy, although I'll be quick to admit that it leans more towards the feelings of the green-eyed monster.

I don't know why, but today I made a promise to myself,

"One day, I want the whole world to wish me a happy birthday."

I guess every single atom of my being screams of my discontentment to settle for anything less. It's the same theory of a poor person yearning to be living the high life, counting the big bucks...But, when such a day comes by, will I really be happy?

Because what if the whole world wishes me a happy birthday, but I still feel alone at the end of the day?

It's like giving me the whole world, but I still have nothing to my worth at the end of the day.

I'm grateful for the party today for one simple reason. People whom I'm not really close to coming together for a common cause for my sake, it's kind of touching isn't it? I wonder if people can really put aside their differences and work together towards a common goal. For me, professional-wise, yes. But personal-wise, I'll never be able to get past that big obstacle, that is myself.

For a while, I even convinced myself that perhaps it's time to lay aside personal differences. But, I shouldn't even go there, it's not great "piercing your flesh and opening up fresh wounds".

Especially so when the wounds haven't yet recovered. Ouch.

It's 12:05am. I feel that I'm no longer Cinderella, and my glamorous coach has transformed back into a rotting, orange pumpkin not fit for consumption.

But, you know what?

It's alright, because I'll still be the Princess I am, tomorrow and forever, Yay!

Although my friend would have me know that

Nothing is forever.