是不是时候该放手了?

当死神来临的那一刻 , 你愿意放手吗?

拜六下午 , 五点左右 , 我爷爷突然吐了血 , 被送进医院。。。

We saw it coming. That afternoon, my grandfather vomited one litre of blood at home and in the hospital...my father says one litre is equivalent to a packet of milk...

医生说没得救了。。。我奶奶却坚持不肯放手。

The doctor said that there is internal bleeding, which explains why the patient coughed up blood. Apparently, his lungs are congested with blood, and there is a hole in his lungs which resulted in the bleeding. He added that since the patient is already in the advanced stages, there are only two methods left...the first is the "conservative" method whereby the patient is being put to sleep, sinks into a coma and peacefully pass away. The second is the "aggressive" method whereby they attempt to revive the patient. A tube is inserted into the patient to find the hole that is causing the bleeding, and tie up the hole. However, there is a risk of the knot loosening, and the patient will vomit blood once again.

My auntie, who is a Christian and does not believe in prolonging the patient's suffering insists on adopting the "conservative" method. In the end, with a vote of 4:2, with the final decision in my grandmother's hands, we decided not to take the above method. Instead, we decided on a blood transfer...In other words, they were hoping for a miracle. A miracle which my mother says will never take place.

那时候我还记得我是在车站等巴士, 突然家里来了一通电话...只听见妈妈说: "Ah Gong might not be able to pull though anymore..."

当时我赶去医院的时候。。。看见我的表亲全都到齐了。。。大家都围绕着爷爷的床。。。

真的。这是第一次看到大人们都哭了吧! 我阿姨在爷爷面前痛哭了一场 , 一直说孩子们会照顾自己 , 叫他不用担心 。。。听了心里突然一阵心酸。。。那一幕可能这一辈子都不会忘记吧。

总觉得奶奶好自私 , 一厢情愿的希望爷爷能活下去 , 难道要因为奶奶的一厢情愿而让爷爷付出惨痛的代价 , 继续承受病痛的折磨?

星期六的早上 , 也许因为累了, or maybe he knows it's a pointless struggle, 爷爷终于开口了, 要奶奶让他走。。。

爷爷都开口了。。。我奶奶却坚持不肯放手。

我叔叔哭着, 坚持不肯就这样失去爷爷! 他说: "就算只能让爷爷活多一个星期 , 也要让他活下去!" 让爷爷活多一个星期 , 就等于让他多痛一个星期 , 只为了你能多看他几眼??? 到底有没有替躺在病床上的病人着想? 被比手指头更厚的针刺进肚子里的人是谁? 躺在病床上动荡不得的人又是谁? 得靠抗菌素来维持生命的人又又是谁? 不能 讲话 走路 吃饭 对于一个轮椅就是他双腿的人而言。。。

也许 尝试结开心里那个结 爷爷才能得到正正的解脱。

而奶奶始终不明白。。。坚持不肯放手。

我妈说一直紧握不放是很自私的行为, 我爸却说要是有那么一点点希望让爷爷活下去 、而他却什么都没有做 、就代表他没有尽儿子的本份。" 我心里想: "难道让爷爷继续痛苦下去 、就等于出自一片孝心?? 不是应该让他不再痛下去了吗?" 是他们无法过自己那一关吧!

星期天晚上, 爷爷得靠张开嘴巴来呼吸。看着阿姨们帮熟睡的爷爷梳头 、换袜子、一窝蜂的思绪突然迎面而来。。。

随着癌细胞的扩散, 类似人兽猛吃到爷爷只剩骨头, 爷爷原本顽固的生命意识也慢慢淡薄下去了。。。

我想 、爷爷正在茫茫黑暗中寻找出路。

The last I heard, they were preparing for a funeral.